im lost.

my heart sunk. the one who gave me my life wanted me to end it. my heart is dead. and its all becoz of something dat i could not repair.


P.S: for this one time. i do not plead guilty. coz i am not. i tried to help u do it. was frustrated coz i could not do it. YOU did not help at all. giving me vague ideas of what actually happened. i did not go out to play or do fun things. i went to work mind you.. u say that i'm always in front of the comp. have you ever given me some thought of how tired i am juggling between work and studies? NO. u all just spot my bad points. when i am being spotted being at the comp in the night, its ASSUMED that i am there all thru the night. do u all have any idea that i have been studying? NO. u all just spot my bad points. if i were not tired, i would not have slept so early. did u all try to understand me? NO once again. if i was such a no hoper like u said i am. why don't u all just kill me? why lemme suffer here when home is just a place where quarrels happen and there is no peace at all? u all keep saying that i have a bad tone. did u even for a while think where i get this kind of stupid voice from? how could someone even talk to another shouting person? will the message get thru? i do not understand. why is all dis happening? is it me? is it u? or is it us? silence has been ongoing for years. we cannot even hold a decent conversation together. its not that i did not try. but it just cant work out. ppl have been telling me its another kind of love. but can u love me in the normal way? i have no idea when did i become your sore enemy. is it when i could not get 100 marks? or was it due to the constant failures i got for my secondary school tests and exams? why do u always give me the feeling that u detest me so much? do u really hate me that much? as i am typing all dis. tears keep flowing down. i dun wanna cry. i wanna be the strong cheerful boy that i have always been. but i cant stop the tears, they just fall down. audrey is right. dis is just an aftermath of years of silence. its true. there hasnt been a slight hint of communication going on. the communication we have is thru shouts and silences. thats the only communication we have in here. therefore im typing this now
as a reminder to myself. i do not wish to be such a father and never will i allow my family to run it dis way. NEVER.